The Darkest Light
by Gaby Black
Summary: Complete A series of 7 drabbles about Regulus Black It is like with every breath he takes, with every word he says he is being watched closely, unhealthily, by his family. Regulus, the little king, cannot disappoint them. He has no choice.
1. doubt

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing; JK Rowling does.

**Author's note:** This is a series of seven drabbles about Regulus Black. Please review!

* * *

_doubt_

Regulus takes a deep breath as he puts the Sorting Hat on his head. He hates that feeling; to know that everyone is watching him. That _Sirius_ is watching him, expectantly. He knows the feeling only too much: every second of his life since the day Sirius left for Hogwarts seem to reflect it. To him, it is like with every breath he takes, with every word he says he is being watched closely, unhealthily, by his family. Regulus, the little king, cannot disappoint them. He has no choice.

"Another Black…" whispers the Hat, "the last one. Should we follow the tradition or the Sorting of the latest Black? I see wits and willingness to fit in and succeed… perhaps Ravenclaw?"

Regulus closes his eyes and repeats in his head, _I want Slytherin, I want Slytherin…_

"You want Slytherin, no doubt about that, eh?"

Regulus could swear the Hat is mocking him. Of course there is no doubt about where Regulus belongs. The Hat seems to give up.

"Or perhaps in Slytherin, you'll make your real friends, those cunning folk use any means, to achieve their ends," the Hat sings quietly, and then announces loudly, "Slytherin!"

Regulus opens his eyes and makes his way towards the Slytherins' table and sits down next to Narcissa, who beams at him.

Regulus does not smile back.


	2. darling

_darling_

Regulus is not as eager to board the Hogwarts Express this year. He lingers on the platform next to his parents, listening to his mother say that he must remember what she has repeated to him all summer. Regulus nods mechanically, and he suddenly realizes that Sirius is already gone. His mother doesn't seem to have noticed. Regulus looks around and his eyes fall on a mother hugging her son tightly and crying.

"I love you, darling," she is saying. "Take care of yourself!"

And the son kisses her and gets on the train, his mother waving at him.

"Regulus, you aren't listening."

Regulus jumps slightly at the coldness of the voice, and turns back to his mother.

"Sorry, Mother," Regulus whispers, looking down.

"Well, go now," his mother says briskly, gesturing to the train. "Or it's going to leave without you."

Regulus nods and gets on the train. Once he has found a seat, he eagerly goes to the window but his mother has already left and no one is here to wave him goodbye.

Regulus sighs as he thinks of the loving mother hugging her son.

No one has ever called him darling.


	3. better

_better_

She has said it ever since Sirius has been sorted into Gryffindor, but she had never said it before.

His mother barely looks at him when she repeats her favourite words; no, she has her cruel eyes fixed on Sirius as she says:

"Regulus is a much better son."

Sirius used to look down and grit his teeth. Now he just blinks and retorts coolly, with all the arrogance you have when you're fifteen:

"Of course, he is."

Sirius smirks as his mother squints and resumes eating in silence. Regulus feels like he cannot breathe; he chokes on his food as Sirius gives him a secret glance he can't quite figure out.

After dinner when Regulus is in his bedroom, he stares at his reflection in the mirror, at his pale blue eyes as soft and washed out as his soul. His eyes will never have the strength of Sirius's, the beauty of Cissy's or the passion of Bella's. How can he be better?

At night when Regulus can't sleep, this question haunts him. He sees his mother's twisted face and Sirius's impenetrable expression. It's as though Sirius has built a wall between himself and his family, and Regulus is on the wrong side of it.

_Regulus is a much better son…_

He thinks that, really, a thirteen-year-old should have lighter concerns.


	4. alone

_alone_

Last night Sirius ran away.

Not as if Regulus cared, right?

Right. The sound of rain clattering against the window of his bedroom is comforting. Does it matter that rain is his only company now?

Last night when Sirius ran away, Regulus freaked out and said he hated him.

It was a lie.

Regulus's eyes strangely burns whenever he thinks about it, so he just lies on his bed and reads stories about Voldemort's last exploit and maybe it will alright and Sirius will come back, smiling and joking with him just like before he went to Hogwarts.

He hopes Sirius knows it was a lie, but then Sirius had said he hated him, too… He wonders if it will rain all summer; maybe it will. He just can't imagine the sun coming back and shine on the happy world now, shine on little Regulus who has never felt so young and _alone_, even if he turned fourteen the day before.

Regulus wonders if Sirius chose this day to run away on purpose. Regulus's bitter laugh echoes through the bleak room and it sounds so much like Sirius's bark-like laughter that it makes him shudder. Of course he did.

Does it matter that rain is his only company now?

He doesn't need him.


	5. crush

_crush_

There's this girl. She's in his year and she's got the most fascinating dark eyes he's ever seen. He's fifteen (it's his first crush, but then he's always been late for everything) and he feels like a complete arse whenever he tries to talk to her. Moreover, she is a Ravenclaw, and his fellow Slytherins used to tease her because she's top of her class.

One day, just as the Charms class has ended and the beautiful spring day is finally over, he asks her if she'd mind explaining a spell to him. Her eyes widen but she nods and Regulus flashes her a tentative smile, trying to overcome the unusual butterflies in his stomach. He follows her to the Ravenclaws' common room and everybody glares at them at they sit down and Regulus feels his cheeks colouring. For the first time in years Regulus feels ashamed of being a Slytherin. For a few minutes she explains the spell to him, but Regulus doesn't listen – he's too busy trying to remember every detail of her smile just in case she doesn't ever want to grin at him again. Then, just as he is about to try and get to know her more, she bits her lower lip and blushes.

"I'm sorry to ask you that, but… do you know if Sirius has a girlfriend?"

Regulus stares blankly at her and she looks down, unnerved.

_It's always about Sirius, isn't it?_

"I don't think so," Regulus finally replies, and his voice sounds steely.

The girl nods. "Okay… well, I hope I helped you, Regulus."

Regulus doesn't even bother smiling back at her as he leaves.

A few days later he sees her kissing Sirius in the middle of the Great Hall. As Regulus walks past them, he scowls at his brother, wishing he could burn a hole in Sirius's forehead with his eyes.

"I hate you," Regulus hisses, but nobody hears him.

It's still a lie.

On the next day, he is completely calm and collected (that's what he likes to think), and his hands (don't) shake as he writes a letter to Bellatrix, an answer he had been delaying for weeks:

_I'm ready._

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**Author's Note:** I think you have guessed it anyway but just in case, this takes place near the end of Regulus's fifth year so obviouly the answer to Bellatrix means he's ready to join the Death Eaters. Please review! Thanks. 


	6. kill

_kill_

The night is dark and chilly (though it's summertime).

Regulus shivers; he feels the lump in his throat now, realizes what it means (what is he doing here?).

Bellatrix raises her wand.

"Come on, now," she says, calmly.

Regulus stares, transfixed, at the Muggle-born wizard in front of him. He sees the fear in the trapped young man's eyes (_trapped_ - you know the feeling, don't you, Regulus?).

His hand is shaking violently as he raises his wand, too.

"What are you waiting for?" Bellatrix hisses, unable to contain her impatience. "This filthy Mudblood _insulted_ the Dark Lord! He tried to... he tried to _fight_ him!"

Bellatrix breaks out in hysterical fits of laughter, but the sound is cold and devoid of happiness (does she even know what happiness is? Regulus doesn't). Bellatrix's laughter suddenly dies out and Regulus looks up at the stars, suddenly wonders where Sirius is, most likely at the Potters for the summer holidays, laughing but with his eyes laughing, too -

"Kill him."

The words are as harsh as her face as she turns to him, her dark eyes narrowing threateningly. Regulus swallows and takes a deep breath, trying to find anger in him when all he feels is cold and despair and emptiness.

"_Avada Kedavra_."

Poor attempt at a Killing Curse, a weak little jet of green leaves his wand... _You have to really mean it_. Regulus closes his eyes, unable to think or to look at his cousin. He runs away and is sick on the pavement of the lonely Muggle street, in the midst of flashes of green light.


	7. alone again

_alone (again)_

The night is cool as Regulus steps out of number 12, Grimmauld Place (the sun is setting). He could have Apparated right away, but he just wants to walk down the street, to feel the breeze in his hair, to see other people that did not have a care in the world – he wants to feel _alive_, one last time.

He takes deep breaths as he begins to walk. He glances at the beautiful purple sky and regrets the absence of stars. He passes a pretty Muggle girl of about his age and startles as she speaks to him.

"What time is it, please?"

Regulus doesn't even remember the last time someone spoke to him so candidly, without uttering words involving fight or death. It's refreshing, and Regulus smiles.

"Nine o'clock," he replies.

The girl smiles back and Regulus wants to engrave the image in his mind forever.

"Thanks," she says.

She walks away and he feels a lump in his throat as he realizes these are the last words he will ever hear; in less than an hour he would be in the cave, alone again…

Perhaps if he denies the fact that he is going to die, he will feel less scared.

He watches as the girl disappears around the corner and then looks up at the sky again; this time he pays more attention and sees a single star twinkling in the distance. The most shining stars of all… Sirius.

Regulus runs towards it, feeling suddenly free, for the first and last time of his life.

_The sound of feet  
Running in  
The empty street _

The last step of your fight,  
Follow the light.

The stars that sigh,  
Twinkling in  
The purple sky

The wind chases your fright,  
Follow the light,

The darkest light  
Shimmering in  
The summer night 


End file.
